Controlled comforting or checking method

Controlled Comforting or the Checking Method (for older children) is a strategy for dealing with persistent settling and waking problems in children. It involves briefly comforting, settling and then leaving your child for short time periods so your child learns to go to sleep on their own. The purpose of this is to reassure your child you are still there and to reassure yourself that your child is OK. This can be particularly helpful for children who are anxious about going to sleep.

About the method

The idea with the controlled comforting/checking method is to give your child the opportunity to learn to go to sleep by themselves. If your child gets upset when you leave their bedroom, wait a short time before you go back to them, gradually increase the time you spend outside the bedroom before going to check on them. In this way, they are also learning that you are not far away and will return.

Before you start

Parents dealing with sleep and settling problems can become very tired and stressed, particularly if they’re losing sleep themselves. Controlled comforting is sometimes tried by parents who feel overwhelmed, or whose wellbeing is suffering. Before you start, make sure your child is getting lots of attention, time and affection during the day.

Doing controlled comforting and checking method

2. Turn baby monitors down or even off: Make sure you can still hear your child without a monitor.

3. Don’t wait outside your child bedroom: Go into another room and distract yourself – make a cup of tea or turn on the TV. Only go back to check on your child when the set time is up.

4. Talk to your partner first: Make sure that you both agree with what’s going on. Work out what role each of you will play – for example, helping with resettling or timing the intervals.

6. Avoid important commitments: Clear your schedule for the first few days after you start controlled comforting. You need to be able to see it through without a major change to your child’s routine.

How much time will I wait

Set your own intervals of time based on how long you think you can manage: For some children, frequent checking is good – say 2, then 4, 6, 8, then 10 minutes. For others, less check- ing is best – say 5, then 10, 15, 20, then 25 minutes.

Step by step

First, establish a consistent and positive bedtime routine, see the Good Sleep Habits for ideas. Also, decide on the waiting times between checks that are best for you and your child.

• • When it is time, settle your child in bed, say “goodnight” and leave the room before your child is asleep. Promise to come back and check on him.

• • Stay out of the bedroom and give your child a chance to settle by herself. Ignore grizzling.

• • If your child starts to really cry, wait the first time interval you have decided (e.g. 2 minutes) before Checking your child (see below).

• • After leaving the room, again give your child a chance to settle by herself.

• • If she again starts to cry, wait for the second time interval (e.g. 4 minutes) before going to check her.

• • Continue to check on your child as long as she is upset, gradually stretching the interval times.

Camping out

Camping Out is a strategy for dealing with persistent settling and waking problems in babies and young children. It can also be helpful with older children who are having problems getting to sleep, particularly if they feel anxious or frightened.

Camping out step by step

Before you start, have a good bedtime routine in place, see the Good Sleep Habits page.

When doing Camping Out, you sit next to your child’s bed and gradually (over nights) move further away. Each night you stay with your child until they fall asleep and then you leave the room. This helps children learn how to settle themselves to sleep, rather than needing you to be nearby.

1. Stay on each step: For a few nights until your child gets used to this new arrangement. Use the same approach whenever you settle your child for sleep, such as if they wake overnight and for any daytime naps.

Step 1. Place your chair next to your child’s bed or cot. Sit, and pat or stroke your child off to sleep.

Step 2. With the chair in the same place, sit next to your child, but do not touch them, until they fall asleep.

Step 3. Move the chair away (half a metre or so) from your child’s bed or cot. Sit there until they fall asleep.

Step 4. Continue to gradually move the chair toward the doorway and out of your child’s room over a period of one to three weeks.

2. Reward: Reward your child in the morning for being able to stay in their own bed at the start of the night (talked about more in the Rewards strategy). If things haven’t improved after two weeks, talk to your doctor or child and family health nurse. They’ll be able to help you develop a program tailored to your child’s needs.

Tips for settling your child

Sleep time not playtime!: If your child tries to play with you, calmly say it is sleep time and you will only stay if they lie down for sleep. If they continue, leave for a short time (a minute or two). When you return, again say you will only stay if they lie down for sleep.

Try to avoid making eye contact: This tells him that play time has finished. It might also help to close your own eyes.

Some younger children get angry that their parents aren’t picking them up: Resist the temptation to pick her up. If you do, you may reinforce this habit. She will eventually learn that you are there for comfort, but not for picking up.

Extinction burst

After a few good nights or even weeks, your child may suddenly start doing the old behaviour, and more often or more strongly than before. This is known as an extinction burst and while disheartening, it is temporary. If you can keep going with the strategy, the behaviours should stop after a few days. If you can’t keep going, you can try again at a later time, but future attempts may be harder.

Bedtime Fading

If your child is taking more than an hour to fall asleep after your chosen bedtime, you may find that trying to put your child to bed at the earlier time results in bedtime struggles. For some children it is best to gradually make their bedtime earlier, starting at the time they are naturally tired and ready for bed.

Setting a suitable bedtime

A good strategy for changing your child’s bedtime is Bedtime Fading:

1. Work out when your child is naturally falling asleep and set this as the temporary bedtime. For example, if you want your child to go to bed at 8:30pm, but they usually do not fall asleep until 10:00pm, choose 10:00pm as the temporary bedtime.
   

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2. Once they are falling asleep easily and quickly at this temporary bedtime then make their bedtime earlier by 15 minutes.
   

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3. When they are falling asleep easily and quickly at this new bedtime then bring it forward by another 15 minutes.
   

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4. Keep on doing this until you have reached the bedtime you want (for example, 8:30pm).

Be patient. If you move bedtime too quickly, your child may be unable to fall asleep.

Eg, Mawsons bedtime

Get morning light

Morning light also helps set an earlier bedtime and helps keep the body clock on the right track. Open the curtains in the bedroom, eat breakfast in a sunny area, or spend some time outdoors.

Be consistent

Keep trying for a number of nights, and encourage others caring for your child to use the same strategies. Being consistent will increase your chances of success with improving your child’s sleep patterns.

Rewards

Rewards can really motivate a child to improve their behaviour. They work best if given soon after the behaviour not after a few days. After a couple of weeks, they may not work as well but by then you hope your child’s behaviour has improved! Reward charts are appropriate for children 3 years and over.

Setting up a reward system

1. Set up a chart

Create it: You can choose from lots of different styles of charts, or make one yourself. Older children might like to create their own chart, perhaps with a drawing or photo of the reward they’re trying to earn. You can also download free charts from the internet. E.g. try searching for “reward charts to colour in”

Place it: Put the chart where your child can see it. Keep in mind that your older child might prefer a spot that’s private – for example, his bedroom, instead of on the fridge.

2. Rewards

Decide which stickers or tokens to use: star stickers work well for younger children, whereas older kids might like points or other markers.

Keep rewards small and cheap e.g. stickers, stamps. It is not necessary for rewards to be or expensive, but rather a small symbol that you are happy with your child’s behaviour.

Choose short-term rewards: Most children start by liking the idea of collecting stickers or tokens, but the novelty can wear off quite quickly. When this happens, swapping the stickers or tokens for some short-term rewards can help them keep their eyes on the main prize. You could let your child choose from a range of objects, events and activities – for example, getting to choose an activity for special time with mum or dad, e.g. a trip to the park, a family bike ride, going to the swimming pool, or watching a favourite movie (but not just before bed!).

Try not to make food the reward

You can build on rewards e.g. 4 stickers = a lucky dip (remember to keep the prizes small and cheap) or a trip to the park or a choice of DVD after dinner.

Rewarding your child

Choose the behaviour you want to encourage: Use clear and positive descriptions of the behaviour, and talk with your child about the behaviour you want to see.

Increase your child’s chance of success to begin with: Make sure your child has a chance to get a few rewards over the first few days e.g. at first you may reward them for staying in their room at the start of the night. Once they can do this, you may then reward them only if they stay in their room the whole night.

Give the reward as soon as possible after the good behaviour: e.g. first thing in the morning. Some specific praise reminds your child why she’s getting a sticker or token. For example, “I really like the way you stayed in your bed the whole night. Here is a star for your chart”.

NEVER take away a reward: If your child has earned it, they keep it! If your child doesn’t earn a star, just move on. Focus on encouraging your child to try again.